Wednesday, July 22, 2015
Thursday, January 22, 2015
But when I have those thoughts, I immediately think "DUH OF COURSE IT MATTERS I'M [kinda] HELLA SMART" (ignore the usage of hella - it seemed appropriate). So I'm still writing and shopping around. If you're reading this, stay tuned...
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Hey all! Just wanted to let everyone know I am still doing the 15 day Affirmation Challenge from Personal Excellence. Unfortunately the past two days have not been very cooperative with blogging (funeral, lack of sleep, etc.) so I will need to finish up my past posts. Should be on track tomorrow - or rather today...uuuuugh. Stay tuned!
Monday, July 7, 2014
#AffirmationChallenge Day 1 [New Beginning]: “Today is a brand new day. My past does not define me. My future is mine to create.”
Consider the following statements:
- I'm a
good-for-nothing – I've not accomplished much in my life, so
I'm not going to accomplish much in my future too.
- I've not had great
relationships in the past, so I'm
likely to continue to attract bad men/women into my life.
I'm doomed not to meet someone I will love and who will truly love
- I was never a
straight-A student, so I'm
simply not cut out for success, whether in my studies or other
things in the future.
- I've not faced much
success in [XXX] goal, so
I shouldn't pursue [XXX] any further since I'm probably going to
continue failing in it.
- My dad/mom/teacher
once scolded me for being
lazy/lousy/slow/stupid/incompetent/idiotic/a disgrace of the
family/[insert negative adjective], so I'm
indeed lazy/lousy/slow/stupid/incompetent/idiotic/a disgrace of
the family/[insert negative adjective].
brother/sister/friend has always been better/faster/stronger than me
when we were young, so
they will continue to be better/faster/stronger than me in the
- My relationship with
[XXX] has been declining, so it'll
likely continue to decline and I shouldn't put any effort in it.
You see, the danger here is that given that our thoughts directly impact our actions which directly impact our results, by thinking within the confines of our past results, we'll continue to act in a way that attract those results, hence attracting said results in real life. We'll then box ourselves into the archetype of "I'm not one who is able to attract love" (if you're currently facing a blockage in this area" or "I'm not cut out for entrepreneurship" (if you've been meaning to set up your own business but hasn't been able to), hence... being our own self-fulfilling prophecy.
So how do we break out of this vicious cycle? Well, by first changing our thoughts. But beyond changing our thoughts, we need to also identify the action steps to take to make things different. Because while having positive thoughts is important, we need to follow them up with the right, positive actions to make a real change in our life.
Hence, today your task is to do exactly that – change your thoughts and identify action steps in an area where you've been limiting yourself or that you feel limited in. Let's get started! :D
Your Task Today
- What is
ONE area of your life where you've been limiting yourself
or that you feel limited in? It can
be anything, from studies, to work projects, to romantic
relationships, to health, to friendships, to familial relationships.
(You are welcome to identify more than an area if you like!)
- Working: I've only worked 2 months in my whole life before going on SSI for 7 years, which I hate and does not endear me to employers.
- What is the
belief statement you've been harboring in this area? And is it
serving/helping you to accomplish your goal?
- “No one is going to hire someone who hasn't bothered to work in 7 years anyway, so why bother looking?”
- Change this
that the belief from #2 is limiting, what empowering belief(s) can
you change it to?
- “I cannot predict what employers are thinking and I have several marketable skills that I am not taking advantage of. I will definitely not get hired if I never look, but I have to give myself a chance! I deserve it!”
- Identify your
action step(s) to make the change! What
is ONE action (or more if you desire) that you're going to make to
make this new belief come true? Commit this action to a deadline,
and get working on it!
-Apply to two jobs per day that I am qualified for, regardless of whether I feel I am deserving of it
- Say your
new belief out loud, along with today's affirmation. Read
your new belief from Step #3 out loud to yourself, with full
conviction. Then, say today's affirmation with that same conviction:
"Today is a brand
My past does not define me.
My future is mine to create."
I encourage you to write down your new belief(s) and today's affirmation so that you can always see them and commit them to your heart. Repeat them every day to yourself, for as many times and as long as needed, until they become part of your default thinking.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
This year, I've made it a goal to be more active in my emotional health, especially as the circumstances around me that I cannot change grow more frustrating by the HOUR (having a broken ankle does not make this any better). I've come across many fantastic resources in my journey, and one of my favorites, Personal Excellence by Celestine Chua, is starting a 15 day Affirmation Challenge on July 7th. From PE:
"Problems can only be tackled through conscious self-reflection and direct action, not by saying affirmations only. However, where affirmations help is that they help us to re-imagine the future (especially if we are fixed on a particular way of thinking), reinforce positive beliefs, and remind us of who we can be. Affirmations have their merit, and they can be even more powerful when followed up with the right questions and planning."I've never been one for affirmations...or challenges...or being positive...or reflection. Actually, all of this sounds kind of terrifying. But what's even more terrifying is the thought of being in this same situation 5 or 10 years from now: unhappy and afraid to pursue dreams and goals and living life in and out of psych hospitals despite medications and therapy and all the things that are "supposed" to make me happy. SO! I'm willing to try something scary and new. And I'm trying to keep the pessimistic attitude to a minimum. Baby steps.
Join the challenge soon! It starts on Monday July 7th, 2014! AND IT'S FREE!!!
See you in 2 days!
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Does this sound insane to YOU? Yes? Then explain to me why you and I and everyone on the planet continue to follow and perpetuate this idea that showing real emotions will drive people away! Are we THAT dead inside as a people that FEELINGS – those things that tell us when things are good, bad, painful, scary, fantastic – ARE HORRIBLE?
Who started this trend of 'playing it cool'? At one point, this was advice given to women to not seem desperate...because men should only want to marry women who show little to no interest in them. Now it's transcended all genders and sexualities to the point that everyone is looking to be loved, but is not willing to love in return.
I understand the need to be cautious. I definitely understand the desire to protect oneself after being hurt in a relationship in any way. But at what point did we as a society decide that we were not good enough to be loved and therefore had to lie about what we felt (in addition to what we looked like – but that's another blog post for another day) in order to be considered “normal” or “worth it”? And more importantly, why are we OK with this??
Monday, June 30, 2014
The more I wrote, the saner I felt. The saner I felt, the less blurry life became. By the time I left the hospital in late May 2014, I knew I'd have to keep writing if I wanted to stay afloat. “I might even be able to do this for a living,” I thought with a tiny ray of hope. I'd never felt real hope; just that 3AM 'of COURSE I can clean my whole room now!' manic hope.
I came home, somewhat content, and settled down to the arduous task of checking 2 weeks of social media messages, emails, and world news. Everything seemed pretty norm-“Legendary author Maya Angelou dies at age 86”
My heart stops and I blink. Just...blink. What? But...I wasn't ready! And before I can prepare myself or even open my mouth to swear in shock, I just sob uncontrollably for 10 minutes. I can't contain it.
My rational brain, which is currently on break as I gasp for air, thinks, “Well, she was quite elderly, and she had been ill...she lived a long, good, full, loving life.”
BUT I'M NOT READY.
I think back to my formative years spent with my grandmother, and seeing Maya Angelou's books always front and center on her shelves. I think of Dr. Angelou's story and how she freed herself from her self-imposed childhood silence; how she went on to become a literary icon and true trailblazer. I think of my grandmother and the woman she encouraged me to be, and still does 13 years after her passing; how she worked tirelessly to improve her community and uplift its people. I think of these strong women and I think, “...where are you going?! Y-you can't go yet! I will mess this up so bad!!!”
I'm not ready to let go of my role models. I've finally begun my journey to discover my own voice, silenced by my own traumas. I'm discovering new ways to help my community. But I still feel as if I need them there, holding my hand and paving the road so that I am more comfortable. I have to remember, though, that just as they had to let go and go on to inspire the world around them, so will I. I wasn't prepared for my grandmother to die when I was 12. There was still so much more me to learn at her knee. I wasn't prepared to lose one of my biggest creative and personal icons this year. It scares me to death.
|My grandmother holding me as a baby. No, I don't know how old I was. Age: baby? *shrug*|
|Dr. Maya Angelou|
But apparently, it's time to be ready.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Consider the following entry (and enjoy!)...
|The chocolate ones are like CANDY when you're on a unit with no canteen run. Desperate times, man...|
|PLOT TWIST - reality!|
|"I'm finally fake enough for the real world! I'VE MADE IT!"|
|I mean...frolicking through a grassy field with a crop top and no pants? Who doesn't want THAT life?!|
- What do you think contributes most to people hiding who they really are?
- What's YOUR favorite Teddy Grahams flavor?
- Any other comments or thoughts?
Saturday, June 14, 2014
|I've been a bit busy.|
All right, moment's over. This is the worst.
The first hour was splendid! I hadn't been at practice for a while, so it was nice to see the ladies again and get back into drills instead of just aimlessly skating. I did alright for having been gone so many months. Of course, things were going too well, and while I was practicing my crossovers, I slipped and fell on my ankle. At first, it REALLY hurt, but then the pain started to lessen, so I thought I just hit my anklebone on one of my wheels. I don't know what a broken bone feels like! I got some help from my teammates and friends getting home. Sure, I couldn't put any weight on it, sure I had to crawl on my hands and knees up my three porch steps and to my room (and I live in a single-story home), but who knew it was broken?
Well, my dad, for one. To which I replied, "...and you didn't want to share that information with the class?!"
Having a broken body part has taken me through a lot of emotions in 72 hours. I've cried because my ankle hurt so bad, I couldn't get up and pee. I've crawled from the kitchen to my room with a plate of food (a personal life lowlight). I've screamed at no one in particular because of crippling frustration with the medical field. Not only am I almost out of pain medication, but because of my fantastic HMO, I can't use the ER referral for the orthopedic surgeon. No, I have to wear a splint that's meant for 1 to 2 day wear for FIVE DAYS until I see my primary physician on a walk-in appointment - which could take up to 4 hours - and get the referral from him...oh yeah, and then I actually have to MAKE the appointment with orthopedics!
I've laid in bed and felt completely alone on this excruciating journey. But I know I'm not.
Through it all, my derby sisters have been absolutely amazing. It's been overwhelming to see how much these women (who I've known maybe a year at most) have embraced me as a true sister, more so than some people I've known for years or even my whole life. I've asked for what seemed like the world, and they responded like I asked for a pencil. I truly love them, and it's heartwarming to know that they truly love me.
Anyway, it's been 3 days and I am 300% done with having a broken ankle. I'm bored, I feel useless, I need to clean up, I want to take a bath, and I WANT TO SKATE, DAMMIT.
I would also like some Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Any combination of those will do just fine, please and thank you.
Have you ever broken a bone? Tell me about it! Any tips on how to survive this HELLISH NEVERENDING NIGHTMARE?!
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
I'd tell you (who am I talking to?) more, but because I insisted on being so neurotic about this tedious process, I'm running behind in getting ready for practice. And guess who still needs to switch out her outdoor wheels?!
I repeat: UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH
I'll be back tonight. With stories. And TRAIL MIX! I made it myself...seriously, who am I talking to??